Day 3 - Portland & Seattle

Today really felt like new beginning. The rush of joy from being out of Los Angeles has faded away and eating time habits are gone. I've been drinking a lot and eating less. The days go by quicker then once before, when I was sitting through work day-to-day. I think because it was predictable. When I am tired and stretched thin my brain thinks everything is impossible, when I am rested and fed I feel like everything is possible. It's nice to have time by myself now, I can focus on these nuances. My responses to people have been shorter and I feel bad. It just can get overwhelming at times, and if I forget, then I feel worse.

How insensitive are you to people's lives now since Instagram and Facebook and Snapchat and Twitter? You can only care about so much. At what point are the diminishing returns? A few days out of the Internet echo chamber and I feel like I can think better for myself, I'm proud of my thoughts.

Maya Dessa was a privilege to work with, when I picked her up she was eating celery and worked hard to pick out her wardrobe herself, that stood out to me. She had an agenda and a goal, and I really admire a model with her own vision.  I noticed that the light was good on the ground, so we did a "Exorcism on the Grass" and I've been waiting for a long time to do that, I just didn't know it was going to present itself then, timing. At a point during the shoot she said that she was sort of over the whole, gathering her own clothes and shooting, she'd rather make a theme and make it worthwhile. I agreed and added that it will only continue to get worse. I was scared to hear myself say that, because I think it's true. The more I shoot on this journey, the more I am going to want to push boundaries and try weirder things, that means more conflicting neurons in my brain and more headache. I wonder what the next dimension I will notice about a photograph after lighting and subject, maybe it then begins to go micro, like moving away from a city on Google Earth, it's the entire portfolio sequence.

On the way to Seattle I listened to Fleet Foxes pretty much the whole way since they are from here, and my favorite band. I checked into my Airbnb, my host was nice and came from Barstow. Barstow is one of my favorite places because the energy is still, and it's very serene. It has the quietness of snow. Her daughter was the cutest baby I have ever seen, she wanted to show me to my room. From Lakewood I drove to meet two models, Savannah Drakes with SMG Models and Sara (@sarams6) whom I think sets my personal record of the quickest shoot. Just under an hour. I was happy with the two sets we did, and decided we should end on a high note. I notice I am gradually becoming quicker of knowing what works in each location, I see the photo in my head first, then try variations of it. Today I am very exhausted, working in auto-pilot. I had to cancel on a model, I was overwhelmed, I was not certain I could find a location and wardrobe in a span of a few hours the next day. Already searching in three thrift stores, maybe it was meant to be on a raincheck. I know what it's like to be cancelled on and I hate the feeling, it is the first time I had to do this. But I was honestly at a tipping point of mental insanity, she said she was not mad, and that I would know where to find her next time. I told her my heart hurt for doing that, and I am happy no bridges were burnt. I hope I meet her one day.

With days full of activity, I am present, and it's neat to watch a truer version of myself unfold. I am realizing that people who are trying are living a lonely life because focus is on self instead of pleasing people. I am realizing timing is everything in life...I frequently ask the models I am shooting with when the last time they shot was, with Maya, Savannah, Emma and Sequoia (I am posting this late) all of them answered that it wasn't often. I am humbled that they all gave me their time and efforts for the shoots. I guess I came in at the right time. Think about all the things that don't work out because of timing. How often do you get to use your talents and passions?